Some Hope

Alhamdulila, I’m finally starting to feel that I am regaining my footing with regard to my prayers. I feel hopeful. I am more conscious of my prayers. I am thinking about prayer more and reading more as well.

In my last post I talked about how I had really lost my way in my prayers and was hoping that the first days of Dhul Hija would help set me back on track. Honestly, looking back I can say that a big reason why I wasn’t having a fulfilling prayer life was because I stopped focusing on my prayers and making them a priority.  I don’t mean that I was letting them slip by or not performing them on time. I mean that I was no longer investing mental energy and conscious thought into them. I sort of put my prayers on the backburner while I went along with life. It’s as though I thought that the little bit of work I did in Ramadan would hold me over. I wouldn’t have to keep trying, but could rather ride on the coattails of whatever progress I had made before. Then I suddenly woke up to the realization that not only was I not making progress anymore, but I had lost everything I had accomplished also. At that point, I felt hopeless and dejected.

Now alhamdulila, I feel much more hopeful. Maybe now, my prayers aren’t where they should be, especially thinking about how much progress I made in Ramadan, but at least I can say that I care more and am trying more often.

There are glimmers of hope too! I’ve had a couple of really great prayers this past month. They seemed to come out of nowhere, but I like to think that really they were a gift from Allah. An invitation to come back and keep striving. I had told myself that I wanted to be better and that I wouldn’t give up. I started reading more, but mostly I just started thinking more about my prayers. Then Allah gave me those prayers. The sweetness in those prayers gave me a glimpse on to what it would be like to have a constant, vibrant, connection to Allah in my prayers. So, if I keep my priority my prayer and keep working, then I’ll be able to find my way to more prayers like those. This is my hope inshaAllah!