Recently, my prayer quality has really deteriorated. I feel like I’m back at square one and it’s harder than ever to get back in the zone. I’m not sure exactly what it is, or what happened, but I feel as though I have completely lost all the progress I had made. This is an especially hard blow after seeing the progress I had made in Ramadan.
When I stand in prayer now, I try to imagine that I am standing in front of Allah to be judged, but just as soon as I can focus, my mind shifts away to some passing thought. I feel shame and embarrassment to call on Allah after I have drifted so far from Him. When those feelings rise up, I try to distract myself with any thought possible, and thus my prayer slips away from me further. This is just a spiraling cycle I can’t seem to get my grip on. The more I drift in my prayers, the more ashamed I feel, the more I want to escape from those feelings. I don’t feel I can confront myself in front of Allah.
I’m not really sure what I will do. The first ten days of Dhul-Hija are coming up, and I hope that these will provide some sort of revival for me. I don’t want to disappoint Allah more by just letting myself fall further into mindlessness. I need to pull myself out of this and get back on track. Just as Ramadan gave me a way to work on my prayers, so too I hope, will these upcoming ten days. I want to give extra attention to my prayers, and really focus on bringing them up to par. I trust that I can do it, and I have faith that Allah can accept me if devote myself to doing the best I can.
Oh Allah, please Help me be better.