The most difficult thing to come to terms with during this prayer observation period has been that, sometimes even if I’ve done everything ‘right’, my prayer still feels like it’s missing something. It’s missing that deep spiritual connection with Allah swt. It often feels as though there is a wall between myself and Allah swt and I keep hitting it.
I find solace in the fact that there have been certain prayers where it hasn’t been this way. Actually, they are a handful and I can call them all distinctly to memory. In some ways this may seem sad, but in other ways it is comforting to me. I know that it is possible to reach a higher more fulfilling level of prayer; a true communion with Allah.
But what it means for the present is that I’m not trying hard enough. Maybe this may seem harsh, but I believe it to be true. While I cannot say that I can exactly draw an exact causal relationship between my overall religious effort and the depth of my prayer experience, I can say that there is at least some correlation. My prayers seem to be more meaningful when there is more serious commitment on my part. Maybe, it’s that Allah swt was responding to a genuine sense of yearning in me. Maybe it’s that I really truly wanted to have a better prayer, and I was bringing that into my consciousness more. I cannot tell you the magic ingredient because I don’t know what it is.
Part of why I am doing this blog, is to help my figure that out. I’m not sure that there even is one magic ingredient. Maybe it’s a series of conditions or maybe it’s something I’m entirely missing. Regardless, I set out on this journey to improve my prayers and to show Allah swt my commitment to developing my relationship with Him.
I ask Allah that He grants me a soul solace in my prayer.